I used to think trusting yourself meant knowing you were making the right decision.
Now I think it means trusting yourself enough to know you’ll be okay even when you make the wrong one.
That’s a very different kind of confidence.
I’ve spent too much time paying attention to other people’s opinions. Growing up in a very conservative religious environment, I learned early that belonging came with rules. There was a right way to talk, behave, dress, and interact with other people.
And I got very good at following those rules.
I got good at being liked. At keeping the peace. At trying to understand everyone else’s perspective. What I wasn’t particularly good at was asking myself what I thought.
That followed me into my relationships.
I’ve had three major relationships that permanently changed me and my perspective. One of them taught me, in a very painful way, what happens when you stop trusting your own judgment.
I learned how easy it is to take someone else’s version of you and make it your own.
Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we do need to apologize. Sometimes we are the ones who need to change.
But there are other questions worth asking:
What if I’m not wrong?
What if someone is angry with me and I don’t need to fix it?
What if someone misunderstands me?
What if I don’t want the relationship anymore?
What if I can listen to someone’s opinion without making it my opinion of myself?
I think that’s what self-trust has become for me.
Not believing I’m always right.
Not becoming so independent that I don’t need anyone.
It’s knowing when I need help. Knowing who to ask. Being able to hear criticism without immediately turning it into shame. Being able to admit when I’m wrong without deciding I’m a bad person.
And sometimes, it’s walking away.
The older I get, the less interested I am in being chosen by everyone.
I still want people in my life. I still want love, friendship, community, and connection.
I just not willing to abandon myself to keep them.
Because people change. Relationships change. We change.
And eventually, you have to become someone you can rely on through all of it.
What does it take to trust yourself?
That’s what I’m thinking about in Episode 6 of Look Who It Is.
